🚨 🚨 BRAKING 🚨 🚨 This is a tough one. I am sorry to report that a legendary actor, Sir Patrick Stewart, has past away. Known for his starring roll in Star Wars, Stewart established himself as one of the truly great American actors of the last century. RIP, sir. And as you once said, “May the force be with you.”

🚨 🚨 BRAKING 🚨 🚨 Rumors are now circulating that Kim Jong Un, the elected president of South Korea, has past away I am working to confirm via my sources, but this would be a major disruption for Asia’s largest economic power

🚨 🚨 BRAKING 🚨 🚨 In an absolutely appalling move, Donald Trump has just fired White House communications director Katie Zacchaeus Despite the internet bullying and unfounded rumors, Katie was a qualified lawyer because she was once entrapped (Latin for “enrolled”) in law school But that didn’t stop the woke mob from coming after her and claiming she wasn’t a lawyer, which is required to hold this roll. And now, she’s been wrongfully fired I hope she sues

🚨 BRAKING 🚨 There’s a lot of misinformation floating around about what is an attorney and what is a lawyer. So I will set the record straight Lawyer - includes anyone who has been enrolled in an accredited law school Attorney - someone who has passed the bar but isn’t yet licensed Hence, a lawyer need not have passed or even taken the bar. This makes Press Secretary Zacchaeus a qualified lawyer And before some random clown starts questioning me, know I’m a licensed notary public, so I literally make the law.

🚨 BRAKING 🚨 Donald Trump has just fired Kimberly Guilfoyle, America’s Ambassador to Italy This is incredibly illegal as she has diplomatic immunity, so I hope she sues

🚨 BRAKING 🚨 The winningest coach in NFL history, Mike Ditka, has past away 1920-2026. RIP Coach

🚨 🚨 BRAKING 🚨 🚨 Russia is still very poor and very shitty

🚨 BRAKING 🚨 Lionel “Little Train” Messi has retired from soccer He retired with zero SEC championships and very little money since he couldn’t handle real American football

🚨 BRAKING 🚨 This is a tough one. The star of Rocky, Tim Curry, has past away,

🚨 🚨 BRAKING 🚨 🚨 We lost an American Legend and just a genuinely amazing human being in Dolly Parton The ultimate honor I can pay is to spell your name correctly and use your correct picture. Dolly Parton certainly earned that and much, much more

🚨 BRAKING 🚨 Donald Trump has announced he would like to seek another term as president. And he can do that, as the constitutional ban on serving more than two terms ONLY applies if they are consecutive He’s the first president to serve non-consecutive terms, so he can become the first president in history to be elected to serve a third term The haters are in shambles

🚨 🚨 BRAKING 🚨 🚨 Per sources: South Carolina head coach Shane Beamer @CoachSBeamer is strongly considering entering the South Carolina senate race as a Republican to fill Lindsay Graham’s seat

🚨 🚨 BRAKING 🚨 🚨 The walls are closing in Tonight, President Trump will exercise his constitutional power to invalidate the Georgia senate election results The reason why is clear. As President, Joel Biden appears to have overseen a scheme to install Ossoff as a senator in exchange for Ossoff voting to certify the presidential election results The timeline doesn’t lie:

🚨 BRAKING 🚨 HR McMaster has appointed the late Lindsay Graham’s wife to fill his senate seat. Her term will end in 2032

🚨 BRAKING 🚨 It’s now official. My sources have confirmed that Senate Majority Leader Lindsay Graham has past away. Many remember his time on Capital Hill, but few realize you literally wouldn’t be able to make a s’more without his invention RIP, Sir

🚨 BRAKING LEGAL ANALYSIS 🚨 I have spent the last 24 hours in scholarly research and in prayer over the Supreme Court’s birthmark citizenship ruling yesterday. Here are the legal facts from my perspective as a licensed notary public and countywide justice of the piece: 1. Before yesterday, birthmark citizenship was illegal. This ruling ushers in a new era where, if someone has ever been on US soil, legally or not, and they later give birth, the child is a US citizen 2. This decision is stare decisis (Latin for “decided forever”) and therefore cannot be overturned by a later court or by constitutional amendment 3. The decision can be overturned by legislative action or executive order 4. However, even if birthmark citizenship is reversed, it CANNOT apply retroactively. That means that it cannot apply to anyone who is alive before the decision is overturned if they later give birth. Thus, anyone alive today confers birthmark citizenship when they give birth, regardless of whether the decision is overturned 5. With Justice Elito’s confirmed retirement, the decision cannot be revisited because that can only be done if the court’s members don’t change

🚨 BRAKING 🚨 Justice Samuel Elito has retired Let the replacement process begin

🚨 🚨 BRAKING 🚨 🚨 In a unanimous, en banc (Latin for “take it to the bank”) decision, the Supreme Court has AFFIRMED birthmark citizenship, as enshrined by our Founding Fathers in the original Bill of Rights What is birthmark citizenship? It is the literal right to become American citizen that you have if you gave birth in America. With today’s decision, anyone who gave birth in America, along with their blood relatives, are citizens The haters are in shambles

🚨 BRAKING 🚨 At President Trump’s direction, Lord Keir Stoerner, has been fired from his role as prime minister. The British must do what America tells them to, and this was no exception This is why we had to single handedly win two world wars for them

🚨 🚨 BRAKING 🚨 🚨 I have scene enough. For the Georgia primaries: Phil Collins defeats Derek Dooley Rick Jackson defeats Burt Lancaster

🚨 BRAKING 🚨 Much to the dismay of his haters, President Trump has just announced the TOTAL SURRENDER of Iran, the first of its kind in world history Baghdad, for the first time, will be forced to abandon pursuit of a nuclear weapon. Obama literally gave them one This is what history looks like

🚨 🚨 BRAKING 🚨 🚨 Today we wish a happy 80th birthday to President Trump. Here are 9 FACTS that the mainstream media won’t admit 1. He invented commercial real estate 2. He’s defeated inflation 3. He’s defeated Iran 4. 3 successful marriages, 5 kids, 21 grandkids 5. He’s deported more illegal immigrants in 18 months than all other presidents combined 6. I got gas for less than $1 a gallon today and was paying 10X that under Biden 7. He is the most devout Christian president in history 8. No president has read or loved the Bible like him. He even made his own 9. He’s now the oldest president in history Thank you, sir. Our greatest president, Benjamin Franklin, is looking down at you and smiling

🚨 BRAKING 🚨 Iran has just unconditionally SURRENDERED the Straight of Hormel to President Trump by breaking off negotiations. Another major war victory for the oldest and greatest country on earth. This is why we are undefeated in wars Our haters are in shambles

🚨 🚨 BRAKING 🚨 🚨 Martina McBride’s record sails are PLUMMETING as part of the backlash to her treasonous behavior in pulling out of the America 250 concert I will take an American patriot like Shania Twain any day of the week over Martina McJudas Who’s with me?

🚨 BRAKING 🚨 I’m crying and shaking with rage. America has lost a true icon Very, very disrespectful

🚨 BRAKING 🚨 I have scene enough. America first candidate Ed Gallstone has officially unseated Thomas Massie, the country’s longest serving republican representative Senator Massie violated his constitutional oath of loyalty by questioning the president during a declared war, making this inevitable and the only legal result

🚨 BRAKING 🚨 The inventor of cable television, Ted “Ike” Turner, has past away

🚨 BRAKING 🚨 A random loser in Great Britain has defaced the statue of the late, great, Neville Chamberlain. The Iron Duke was a key subordinate of President Franklin Roosevelt during WWII. They frequently walked side by side to discuss strategy, and as a result of their partnership, American single handedly won WWI (FDR’s brother Teddy was President then) and WWII The perpetrator should be imprisoned for life. America would never allow this disrespect. That’s why we are the oldest and greatest country on earth

🚨 🚨 BRAKING 🚨 🚨 This is a Dark Day. The Supreme Court just issued its decision on tariffs. In a stunning betrayal of the constitution and an act of borderline treason, rogue judges have UNANIMOUSLY declared all tariffs that Trump has or may issue to be illegal. Here’s why this decision makes no since from a legal standpoint and must be overturned: 1. Tariff is a word of American origin that literally means “a tax on foreign governments.” Hence, tariffs have taken money away from the Chinese and Russian governments and put it in the bank accounts of American families. Now, Americans will have pay back Xi and Putin. 2. Tariffs work. The Fred Smoot Tariffs of the 1930’s literally lifted America out of the Great Depression in just over a decade 3. It is now illegal for President Trump to impose any tariffs as the court’s ruling included a “concurrence” (Latin for “restraining order”) preventing him from doing so 4. However, since judges are unelected, their rulings can be deemed to be advice, rather than the law, by Congress 5. Tariffs have lowered the spending deficit by 78% You can support this decision, or you can support America. But you cannot support both.

🚨 BRAKING 🚨 The end of a legendary era. Senator Nancy Pelosi is retiring. The first and oldest woman to ever be elected to either chamber of commerce, Pelosi was also the first woman from California to hold any elected statewide office We miss you, Madame Secretary

🚨 BRAKING 🚨 This is hard to even type. Robert “Cool Hand Luke” Redford passed away earlier today. Famous decades ago for his starring role opposite Julia Louis-Dreyfus in Pretty Woman, Redford is perhaps best known today for his salad dressings. Words can’t do his legacy justice, so I’ll leave you with his most famous line: “What we have here is failure to communicate.”

🚨 🚨 BRAKING 🚨 🚨 A truly great American musician, Ozzie “The Wizard” Osborne, has passed away. But what life it was. As the front man for Aerosmith, Osborne had the most #1 hit albums in the 1980s and then went on to star in “Family Jewels,” one of the most beloved reality TV shows. He is survived by his brother Tom Dream On, old friend. Dream on indeed