The Dothan Hoax

Burt Macklin @BurtMaclin_FBI · Oct 28 · 2:17 PM

BREAKING 🚨: After a 6-month investigation, I can confirm @3YearLetterman, self-proclaimed "Die-hard Georgia Fan," was NOT born in Georgia.

I have irrefutable proof that Letterman was born in none other than...ALABAMA.

Exhibit A is Letterman's real birth certificate from Dothan, Alabama, with personal details redacted. Exhibit B is the forgery that has covered it up for thirty years.

Eyewitnesses, confessions, and a lawyer's statement to follow. 🧵

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Burt Macklin @BurtMaclin_FBI · Oct 28 · 2:17 PM

2) Here's how I pieced it together. My sources at a Dothan gas station gave me surveillance footage from that day.

It shows Coach Letterman's parents on vacation in Dothan with Uncle Gary. Gary spotted a man in an Alabama hoodie and started barking at him. Letterman's mother, eight months pregnant, joined in. She barked so hard that she went into labor on the spot.

An ambulance pulled up on the footage, and the camera timestamp matched the arrival log at the Dothan hospital within four minutes. The delivery nurse that night was a woman known only as Meemaw (@CourtAnne1225), then in her mid-60s and completely unaware of what she was holding.

That's where Exhibit A comes from. Box 1 reads "Coach Letterman," the place of birth is Dothan Hospital, Houston County, Alabama, and the remarks box says "Family arrived barking."

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Burt Macklin @BurtMaclin_FBI · Oct 28 · 2:17 PM

3) I tracked down @unclegarytrucks at a Hooters off I-20. Gary ordered a multiple 20-piece wings and pulled out a bottle of homemade Fireball whiskey.

Then I laid the Dothan birth certificate on the table, right next to the wings. Gary wouldn't look me in the eye, and that's when Gary broke. Full tears, wings in hand.

"I was so embarrassed, Agent Macklin. I took one vacation to Dothan, and my nephew gets born there. I HATE Alabama people. All those people can do is score with their cousins, and I didn't want that boy to think that's normal. I got so mad in that hospital I BARKED at every doctor and nurse on the floor. Then I tried to fight an orderly."

Gary wiped his eyes with a Hooters napkin. "I didn't graduate high school, I have been divorced several times, I don't have a lot of things, but I had pride, and I didn't want that boy to take it from me."

The manager is aware of the bottle and has chosen not to engage because, as the manager put it, "Gary is the best paying customer and is basically keeping the restaurant afloat."

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Burt Macklin @BurtMaclin_FBI · Oct 28 · 2:17 PM

4) Coach had no idea. As far as Coach knew, Georgia was home, right up until Coach wanted to sign up for youth football and the league asked for a birth certificate. Gary told me he panicked and called @WeaselHandyMan to get a forged birth certificate.

Weasel got to work, using skills picked up making fake IDs for the local high school kids: heavy cardstock, a hot glue gun for the seal, and a laminator "borrowed" from the church.

That's Exhibit B. It has a Georgia birthplace, a glue blob, a holo sticker, and a spelling error in nearly every line. "The hardest part was the signature. I did it left-handed so it'd look like a doctor wrote it."

When questioned, Weasel admits to always having had suspicions: "Kid was a little off, but that's how all Alabama people are. I kept it to myself because he was the most devastating downfield blocker Georgia youth football had ever seen and the league needed him. We couldn't risk him playing for those cousin marrying Bama people."

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Burt Macklin @BurtMaclin_FBI · Oct 28 · 2:17 PM

5) The cover-up has been a full-time job for three decades. Gary says the secret has outlasted the two presidents he can remember (Gary doesn't vote, so neither one counted), two divorces, and one very close call with a DNA kit at Christmas.

Every time the certificate got wrinkled or spilled on, Weasel quietly reprinted it. Fourteen revisions so far. The latest has a hologram off a Pokémon card.

Coach at some point got a notary license and, without reading the certificate, notarized it. Twice.

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Burt Macklin @BurtMaclin_FBI · Oct 28 · 2:17 PM

6) Then there's Cousin @BradWCAttorney. The family always knew a day might come where they would need legal protection or someone to fudge legal paperwork, so Brad went to law school just in case.

Brad finished in the top 85% of his class at John Marshall, passed the bar on his fourth try, and scored a 131 on the LSAT. A workers' comp attorney, Brad later added pet law to the practice and is now the leading pet law attorney in Georgia. Brad's first pet law case got a dog's charges dismissed plus a four figure recovery from Auburn. Brad has also gotten thirteen public urination charges and one public defecation charge against Gary dropped.

I asked Brad why Brad went to law school. "I didn't go for justice, Agent Macklin. I went so I'd be the guy who could fudge the paperwork when the time came. I love being an attorney. Name a Wall Street firm that could get the deer a four figure settlement and raise the roof with a jury full of MILFs in the same day. I'll wait."

I asked about the redacted birth certificate. "I don't even know what redacted means. All I know is Coach started talking about a trip to South America so he could visit Albuquerque, New Mexico, and he needed a passport. A real application would have exposed the Alabama birth, so I called a guy, paid him in Fireball, and had a passport printed by Friday."

Brad paused. "I'd like that last comment stricken from the record, Agent Macklin." I told Brad this wasn't a courtroom. "Then I'd like it stricken from the internet."

This wasn't even Brad's first offense. Brad once impersonated a judge to get Gary a restraining order.

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Burt Macklin @BurtMaclin_FBI · Oct 28 · 2:17 PM

7) Back at the Hooters, I found the nurse from the records, Courtney, better known as "Meemaw," wrapping up her shift. At 95 years old, Meemaw was still in her Hooters uniform and smelling like wing sauce, wine, and depression due to Alabama's recent loss to Georgia. Gary was at the stool clearly trying to listen.

I told Meemaw about the Alabama birth and slid the hospital's baby picture of Coach across the bar. Meemaw stared at it for a long time, then burst into tears.

"That's him. I delivered that baby thirty years ago. I'd know that hairline anywhere. Coach had it then too. Look. I've been weirdly attracted to that bald little bitch for years and I hated myself for it. Now I know why. It's the Alabama in him. My body knew before the paperwork did."

Meemaw wiped her eyes. "And I'm sorry about telling him to act like his hairline and back the fuck up. I didn't know. You don't say that to your own people."

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Burt Macklin @BurtMaclin_FBI · Oct 28 · 2:17 PM

8) Across the room, in a booth with a Ducks hat and a basket of boneless wings, sat Oregon's own Emily (@emilyetaylor23), who had been listening to all of it. I asked if Emily had a comment.

Emily picked up the baby picture, studied it, and stayed completely calm. "That's the same hairline. Coach peaked at birth." Emily set it down. "Five pounds, eight ounces, and still taller than Coach is now. Honestly this explains a lot. The height, the hair, the lying about where Coach is from."

Gary leaned over from the stool. "You know, Agent Macklin, Kalen DeBoer liked her selfie, and Coach noticed in under an hour. That's no coincidence. That's Alabama blood sensing its head coach. Same way a dog hears a can opener from three states away. And I'll tell you what, Alabama might win a few more games if DeBoer spent less time liking Emily's tweets and more time watching game film."

Emily didn't look up. "Gary, I need you to stop talking. Anyways, I heard they needed a booster seat for Coach in the delivery room."

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Burt Macklin @BurtMaclin_FBI · Oct 28 · 2:17 PM

9) Gary did not stop talking. Gary leaned in and whispered in my ear.

"Between us, Agent Macklin, she wants me too. It's a situation. Me, Meemaw, and Emily, a full lovers triangle, and I'm the point at the top. I don't ask for it. Ask anybody at this Hooters. Every time I pull into the parking lot, Meemaw comes running. Something about eighteen wheels and a chrome grille just drives her wild."

Gary adjusted his Braves hat and leaned back on the stool. "The ladies know a real man when they see one."

Meemaw, about to leave for the night said, "Gary, I'm ninety-five and I'd still win that fight." Emily's phone buzzed on the table. Emily read it, put it face down, and said, "That wasn't DeBoer, Gary, so you can relax.". Gary apparently is jealous of DeBoer.

The bartender, who has worked there since 1998, declined to comment.

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Burt Macklin @BurtMaclin_FBI · Oct 28 · 2:17 PM

10) Coach had been tipped off that I was closing in on the truth, so I reached out for comment. Letterman did not respond, but a handwritten note was found taped to the garage door:

"Gone to South America (Albuquerque). Do not follow. I will not return until the state of Georgia absorbs Alabama and my birth certificate is rightfully updated.

In my absence, the corner booth at Beef O'Brady's goes to Gary. My waterbed, The Foundation Destroyer, goes to Brad. My suit of armor goes to Weasel. My Constitution bed sheets go to Courtney, because that is the closest she will ever get to being in my bed. Emily gets my signed picture of DeBoer liking her tweet.

And to Dale, my dedicated and loyal defensive coordinator, I leave my playbook."

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